February 20th 2016

four months to go

We have 4 months more... It feels like September 23rd is just few days ago

Time does fly fast when you enjoy or you know there is definitely an ending. We know we wouldn't be together long, however, we took the risks.

No... we were just stupid. We thought 1 year could be enough. I did not expect to love him this much, maybe neither did he. We all knew that we would end up in sadness yet we started everything..

But I do not regret. It's stupid but I don't regret. On the contrary, starting this relationship was a life-changing choice I made. He was there when I needed, and he still is.

At this point, I think I don't care about the time anymore. 4 months or 4 days or even 4 hours, I don't care. Every second spending with him counts. He is not perfect but he loves me in the most perfect way. We fight, we argue, we cry, we get hurt but we still love each other. They are just parts of love. Everyone goes through those stages...

It has been nearly 5 months so far... 5 months is not a long time when it comes to relationship. But for us, it's half of the way already. We had plans that we would continue until summer 2017. However, everything changed because I am going to America instead of France as we planned. To be honest, I am not confident that I can maintain a long-distance relationship. Especially when I have been so used to having him beside me everyday, sleeping in his arm every night and getting help from him whenever I need. So yes... unfortunately we have 4 months left.

Ever since he knew that I was going to America next year, he has never blamed me that I chose America as my first exchange choice. He just said he was sad for himself but happy for me, which is heartbreaking enough. He never blames on me. Never... He is sad but never has he, even indirectly, blamed me for not sacrificing for him, or us. Of course I could've chosen France as my first exchange choice, but he encouraged me to choose America. He knows I want to be there, he just knows. 

Arnaud, your heart is like a thousand-year-old natural wonder. You are precious and special and real. You keep everything real. You keep everything simple. You keep everything unique. You keep everything special. I will never forget you... And I love you :)

I dont like myself right now
I am a fastidious old piece of shit. I am criticizing everything he does. I am being meanly sarcastic to him. I barely talk to him today. I dont even kiss him like I usually do. I dont say "I Love You" back whenever he says that today. I feel bad inside but I cannot stop
Looking at his face, I want to hug him and say let's make up but my pride is too big. And besides, I dont know if I forgive him this time, will he eventually change.
I said we would break up if he kept being such a child again. This time he did. He was angry just because things didnt go as he wanted. All he cares about is his benefits. If he wants to watch a movie, he has to watch a movie. If I say I dont want to, he will be disturbed, he will complain.
I didnt even know what kind of movie I wanted when he asked me to choose a movie. How was I supposed to choose? The one I wanted was not online... I had no motivation. I am tired every night because all the day I had to do stuff. Every night I am tired and never has he asked me if I was feeling OK.
He loves me. I know he truly does. But I want more actions...
I dont want to talk about the same problem over and over again. It irritates both of us. And what is the point of telling him my problems when he is not even bother to change?
He loves me. But is his love enough? Why am I holding on right now? What for am I holding on right now?
There have been moments I want to give up on this relationship but I guess I love him too much. I love him too much...
But I might not be blind. I see flaws in him. I see how he is not willing to change for me.
I dont ask him to change his personality, never. I want him to be himself but he has to grow up. He has to be a man to deserve a woman.
I think a lot about us, I think a lot about how I'd be without him in my life. Every time I do it, I cry. I cannot imagine my life without him.. I think that's why I haven't given up yet
But everything has its limit... and he is getting nearer to mine. My ego and my pride are big, I don't allow anyone to hurt me. But he has... several times. The worst thing is he never does it on purpose so I cannot hate him and break up. He is so childish and innocent to understand what I expect from him as a girlfriend.
"We accept the love that we think we deserve"
Do I really deserve this? Is this kind of a compensation?
Or maybe... he doesn't love me enough to change for me...
I was willing to change myself for him. I've started being softer, I don't get rough like I used to anymore. I did it beause I love him and because I don't want to hurt him. I know I have bad habits and I hurt people often and I don't want to do it to him. I feel like he deserves more than that. He is a sensitive boy, he has tough past, he needs loving.. I've tried so hard. It was nearly impossible for me and I've tried
But now he makes me wonder... is he worth my try?
Why don't I get anything in return?
He says I am beautiful and smart all day... but does he really cherish me as a beautiful smart girl?
I hate overthinking but I am doing it right now. I feel helpless...
Should I give him time?
Should I take risks getting seriously hurt once and then stop?
Should I trust him again? Should I lean on him?
He will leave me anyway... maybe it's the reason why he doesn't take this relationship so seriously?
Arnaud, I love you but you have to let me love you.....