I dont like myself right now
I am a fastidious old piece of shit. I am criticizing everything he does. I am being meanly sarcastic to him. I barely talk to him today. I dont even kiss him like I usually do. I dont say "I Love You" back whenever he says that today. I feel bad inside but I cannot stop
Looking at his face, I want to hug him and say let's make up but my pride is too big. And besides, I dont know if I forgive him this time, will he eventually change.
I said we would break up if he kept being such a child again. This time he did. He was angry just because things didnt go as he wanted. All he cares about is his benefits. If he wants to watch a movie, he has to watch a movie. If I say I dont want to, he will be disturbed, he will complain.
I didnt even know what kind of movie I wanted when he asked me to choose a movie. How was I supposed to choose? The one I wanted was not online... I had no motivation. I am tired every night because all the day I had to do stuff. Every night I am tired and never has he asked me if I was feeling OK.
He loves me. I know he truly does. But I want more actions...
I dont want to talk about the same problem over and over again. It irritates both of us. And what is the point of telling him my problems when he is not even bother to change?
He loves me. But is his love enough? Why am I holding on right now? What for am I holding on right now?
There have been moments I want to give up on this relationship but I guess I love him too much. I love him too much...
But I might not be blind. I see flaws in him. I see how he is not willing to change for me.
I dont ask him to change his personality, never. I want him to be himself but he has to grow up. He has to be a man to deserve a woman.
I think a lot about us, I think a lot about how I'd be without him in my life. Every time I do it, I cry. I cannot imagine my life without him.. I think that's why I haven't given up yet
But everything has its limit... and he is getting nearer to mine. My ego and my pride are big, I don't allow anyone to hurt me. But he has... several times. The worst thing is he never does it on purpose so I cannot hate him and break up. He is so childish and innocent to understand what I expect from him as a girlfriend.
"We accept the love that we think we deserve"
Do I really deserve this? Is this kind of a compensation?
Or maybe... he doesn't love me enough to change for me...
I was willing to change myself for him. I've started being softer, I don't get rough like I used to anymore. I did it beause I love him and because I don't want to hurt him. I know I have bad habits and I hurt people often and I don't want to do it to him. I feel like he deserves more than that. He is a sensitive boy, he has tough past, he needs loving.. I've tried so hard. It was nearly impossible for me and I've tried
But now he makes me wonder... is he worth my try?
Why don't I get anything in return?
He says I am beautiful and smart all day... but does he really cherish me as a beautiful smart girl?
I hate overthinking but I am doing it right now. I feel helpless...
Should I give him time?
Should I take risks getting seriously hurt once and then stop?
Should I trust him again? Should I lean on him?
He will leave me anyway... maybe it's the reason why he doesn't take this relationship so seriously?
Arnaud, I love you but you have to let me love you.....